Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2012-01-18T00:46:00.004+08:00

Feeling alittle jaded. Hence the need to occupy myself with different ideas n different things. Not the best thing to do but that's the only way I can learn to be on my own...

Perhaps it's time to leave, so that I can move on with my life...

You ever said to me, not to leave cos you'll still be here...but I was never part of your journey...with or without me, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to adapt to my absence eventually...

I dun think you will ever want me bad enough to really want to be with me...

2012-01-17T01:15:00.004+08:00

Love spending time with kitty...it's just amazing how fast she grows...now she can converse with you and give you the cutest answer you could ever get from a kid! Really fun to talk to her nowadays.

She can be quite bossy sometimes, telling you with a straight face that you absolutely need to blow your soup before drinking it cos it's too hot. Telling you that she loves to eat the stem of the veg but not the leaves cos they are too squishy. Reasoning with you that she is hitting you becos there is another boy in class who hit her, and when asked if she reported that to the teacher, she said no but she was so angry that she hit the boy back and the boy hit her back on the hand again...told her she need to tell the teacher or at least defend herself...she just gave a 'mmm' answer as though she really get what I mean by the word defend.

Today, she turned to me and cheekily called me "mummy" and said "mummy, bao bao..." - telling me to carry her....when she knows I'm not her mum...it melts my heart...sigh...too bad she's not mine to keep

2012!!!

2012-01-10T01:43:00.004+08:00

Japan was superb! It was nice albeit the chilly wind and the cold rash that I had. Love the culture and the peeps there. I never knew I would like Japan, it was not even the place that I intend to visit in these few years but I am really glad that I went for this trip!

Food was great! More in love with Jap food than ever before! Love the people there. So cultured and polite. Not to mention so helpful too! Will never forget the geeky cute guy who came up to us on his own accord just because we looked so lost in front of the big map! Although he was not fluent in English, he still tried to help us along with the information we needed. Man...If he were to tell me that he would bring us to the eating place that we were looking for, I would have gladly followed him without a doubt =p

Now that I am back home. Everything is back to normal again. I am starting to feel stuck again, which is ridiculously fast to have such 'withdrawal symptom'!

Time to plan for the next trip!

Aim for this month :
Finish up paying my loan once and for all!
Finalise my driving test date
Look up for overseas work/study information

Whoop Whoop!

2011-12-23T02:41:00.003+08:00

Heading to Japan for Xmas and New Year!

I wanna meet handsome Japanese boys! Will be even better if I can meet any one of the members of SMAP! hahahaha...

For the coming year, please give me strength to end whatever I need to end and to start afresh. Things are starting to fade, which is good I think. I dun get angry as much, I dun mind things that happened or not happened as much. I am starting to focus on myself more, perhaps not good enough in terms of loving myself more but I am getting there.

I will try to love myself more for 2012. I have to love myself more!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2011

2011-12-07T00:28:00.003+08:00

Yes! I did it!

I did the first marathon of my life! Leg-breaking event...totally!

Alot of things went through my mind during this gruesome 42km run. At certain points, I really wanna cry cos it was just so so so lonely to run-walk on my own without any one to pull me along or push me ahead. But I still made it.

If I can do this thing alone, I think I can do anything alone =)

2011-11-28T01:53:00.002+08:00

Most miserable weekends ever...it wasn't even fever..it's just endless itch. So bad that I dun even have the appetite for dinner and just popped the pills and slept thru my Saturday night.

Come to think of it, I dun know how I managed to pull thru Sat with back to back schedule. It's was the most tiring day ever. I've never dreaded work more. The fight against the drowsiness of the anti-histamine was really challenging. I could literally feel when the effects of the drug happened and when it started to tapper off...

Never have I felt so down and alone, itching and watching tv alone in the dark living room, hoping for the meds to work and stop the outbreak. I guess that's how single hood feel afterall....you're sick, you take care of yourself or wallow in your misery till you recover and is well enough to find the fun you should have in life...and the cycle goes on...

Sunday was bad...I was still itching and craved for more rest. But I had to help my mom deal with the two kiddos at home. It felt like I'm working overtime. I adore my nephews and niece but it's time like this that I want someone else to be keep an eye on them just for that little while. I tried to manage them as much so that my mom could cook the meals. Not fun when I had to manage the whiny girl and the fidgety Auggy who kept squashing me, treating me as his judo buddy and making me itch even more. I felt like screaming at my brother for all these but I couldn't cos I know he was equally tied up and tired. But I couldnt help but think the arrangement could have been better on his side at least.

Sometimes I ask myself - why am I trying so hard when obviously no one is appreciating it.

Sigh...

Exhausted

2011-11-09T21:57:00.003+08:00

Wednesday felt like a Saturday. It was packed to the brim, with 15 minutes of lunch break. I had to run for toilet breaks. I had to gobble down my breakfast in the morning and gobble down my lunch in 15. Had 3 coffees to keep myself up...Stayed up till 3 am trying to finish up my report.

Thursday was just as tiring. I have a new driving instructor now, though I'm still gonna miss the fatherly big belly instructor. So happy that this instructor is with 12 years teaching experience and able to point out my mistakes without sarcasms. Nice papa figure to talk to as well. Phew, so glad...

Ended the day with someone fetching me home despite being really tired. So so so touched. Appreciate the effort and the nice-to-see-you-though msg.

Gonna try to finish up my report and then peace out~

Sunday pls come soon....

2011-11-06T23:12:00.002+08:00

From being very happy and enthusiastic in the morning to feeling tired and disappointed at night...this is not how I want my night to end...

Either I am borderline biopolar or that I am expecting the wrong thing from the wrong person yet again...

Love is...

2011-10-29T00:22:00.002+08:00

Staying up at night to get the herbs cooked for your partner because she was running a fever...

Fetching your troublesome daughter to the doctor and having lunch with her...

I missed riding on daddy's bike. Sitting behind him made me realized how much he has aged. I missed spending time with him alone...

2011-10-03T17:58:00.002+08:00

Pissed not because you nagged at me but because you're telling or rather complaining to me about something I didn't do and something I have been telling you guys to be careful about especially with the last fall you had. And now you're telling me we have a serious problem because the kiddos slipped and fell?!!

I have been telling you guys to get the non slip mats after you broke your wrist in the toilet while I was in Aussie, you refused to get it cos you felt it's unnecessary and troublesome. Now you come and tell me to do my freaking part to mop the floor after my shower?!

You know I always do my part at home - make sure the switches are off before I leave the house; mop the toilet floor after I shower so that none of you will slip...for the record I even made my ex mop the floor every single time after he showered!

I am pissed becos you guys like to wait till accident happen then do something about it and for this case - auggy and kitty slipped and fell in the toilet cos their dad forgotten to mop the floor after shower!!!

None of you wanna listened to me...what more do you want me to say?!! Urgh!!!

2011-09-28T01:26:00.002+08:00

Cannot deny that I am a tad touched by your gestures...

The amount of effort and the level of attentiveness...

Thanx for letting me know that I'm still worth the time and energy...

2011-09-24T01:03:00.002+08:00

Officially hate weddings....especially those that involve relatives...

It's a constant reminder of my age and my failure to sustain any of my relationships well enough to make it to the alter....

It sux...big time...

My only consolation is that I have my nephews and niece to tend to so that I dun have to be questioned by my aunts and uncles...at least not directly all the time...

It's funny how some of them dun even know my occupation but care enough to wanna know when I'm gonna get hitched...sigh....

2011-09-20T01:15:00.002+08:00

I'll be better...I hope...eventually I will be...

I know I dun have the right to be angry with anyone except myself..cos I have been the one who made the choice for everything that has happened...

I'll be better...I promise...

2011-09-18T02:50:00.005+08:00

I couldn't shake it off...

The jog was good...appreciate the talking and the company...

The ikea and giant shopping was good...i really had fun and laughed a lot as I goofed around...

Here I am, after two glasses of whites and still awake, asking myself why do I give in so much. Why do I have to be so nice as to plan and initiate the no-contact break in such a way that the other party will feel less of the pinch while being away having fun checking in places with the girl he had crush on...why did I even bother to partially sponsor the early bday pressie, knowing that the girl will probably be in most of the pics taken...

Why do I allow myself to be the one dealing with all these emotional turmoils...feeling angry, bitter and upset all in one...

Lie to me...

2011-09-16T22:55:00.001+08:00

I hate it...

Hate it that you guys are on the long trip together, checking in this place and that...

Hate to find out that the girl is so much younger than me, runs better than me, and fucking has the same Chinese name as me...

Fucking hate it...Argh!

2011-09-13T08:34:00.001+08:00

Goldfish eyes...

Cried myself to sleep last night...

I can't help it...dam broke...eventually...

Clearing up...

2011-09-12T22:53:00.003+08:00

I thought my day was alright, apart from getting that irritating fat driving instructor who kept criticizing me from beginning till the end, it went pretty alright...

I decided to clear my room. I think I haven't really cleared the junks for quite a while. I found alot of cards that my friends sent to me over the years. Really cute stuffs! Some are letters from yd while he was having attachment in Thailand. I even found the books that I have my friends to leave messages on when we were Sec 4.

I threw the flowers away. Kind of a sting when I did that. But I had to. Then I realized, the cup that was made for me broke into pieces. I wanted to bring it to office to use it, now it's too late. I was really really upset when I saw it. It's like a sign. Sigh...I used glue to piece it back but I guess I can't use it for drinking anymore.

It's always like that isn't it...certain things just not up to you to control. I have a plan to use it but that just doesn't warrant that i'll get to use it in the end. This is so upsetting.

Sigh...I also found cards that you gave me...one of them was so supportive of my career...I cried re-reading it...sigh...

Sigh...

2011-09-08T01:43:00.001+08:00

To be truthful, I think I haven't gotten over the incident on Good Friday. Call it nosy, call it intruding of privacy. I think women's instinct can be so strong that we can sense what's wrong and often or not, there will always be things that will prove our instincts right.

Thrice it happened. In three different relationships. It boils down to the question of, is it me? Am I the underlying issue here that I do not have the qualities to keep my man's heart intact? Am I not worth the effort to have that one person to stay true to me, love me and see me as the one and only?

Perhaps that is why my desire to be a mom has been so great. To compensate for the love and belonging needs that I never seem to get from my relationships. I just feel that at the end of the day, I am dispensable. Doesn't matter how much time and effort I put into it, doesn't matter how much I am willing to sacrifice, doesn't matter how low I am willing to get down to. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I am bound to be replaced. By someone new, someone younger, someone who can be more interesting than I am.

This is so pathetic. I am pathetic. I think my whole life, I have been chasing after these needs. Wanting my parents to love me more, chasing for their recognition, chasing for the love of my partner, chasing after the dream of setting up my own family.

I am tired of trying. Why try so hard when at the end of the day, I am bound to be at the losing end? Perhaps I am ultimately not meant to go through couplehood nor go through the procreation process. I think I should start making plans for this singlehood to be of a long term basis.

Right now, I just feel so damaged. Fucking damaged.

2011-09-06T22:47:00.001+08:00

Went for a jog. 3km. I really got to get it going despite the feeling of purging was so great...haha...

A little disappointed with the length of distance covered but I reckon it's been awhile since I started jogging again, so gonna take sometime to pick up my stamina.

I remember I always wish that my partner will be someone who enjoys running so that he can run alongside with me and we can spur each other on. Tough call I guess. Will have to run this journey on my own. Sigh...

2011-09-06T00:50:00.001+08:00

Back to masking my feelings and to pull through the days....

I'll be alright I guess...

Things to look forward to:
- yoga
- jogging training
- driving

Need to start training...get my mojo back for running else I'll die a terrible death during marathon.

But first thing first, give me some time to be depressed and wallow in my own misery...

没有人喜欢做狠角色, 我也不例外。I can't say I have no choice, cos there's always one...I just want to be on my own for the time being...

2011-08-22T22:54:00.000+08:00

Forgotten that I did not have driving today. Luckily I checked again the last minute. Slept in quite abit today. In fact I slept pretty much the whole day today. Past week was a roller coaster ride, I'm so exhausted emotionally. It's really hard for me to see someone so young suffers.

Yoga has started and I am loving it despite the amount of aches it's giving me. Love it when I get to do it with Fen too, can't remember when was the last time we signed up for something to learn together.

Time to start marathon training. Need to get my butt moving to jog during the weekdays. Can't wait for this week to end. Long break =)

Things to be done:
- Dental appointment to be fixed
- Jogging schedule

2011-07-26T00:54:00.003+08:00

Things in check:
- Final theory (Passed!!)
- Driving lessons (Still in progress)
- Yoga classes (Registered!!!)
- StandChart Marathon (Registered!!)
- Macbook Pro (Got it!!!)

I still need to:
- make an appointment with dentist
- start my regular jogging session
- go for body pump classes
- stop procrastinating in doing my work
- sync my iphone and ipad2 to my macbook pro (once it arrives!)
- look up for courses overseas or masters courses
- rock climbing (eh...maybe after my yoga classes)

No doubt I feel happier these days, there are still days in which I feel a tad empty. O well, I will get pass this...

I love the time spent on the Sunday that just passed. The brunch, the coffee and the chatting. It was such an awesome gathering. No doubt I was totally beat by the end of the day, I must say, I utterly love love love the company!

I was so touched when you guys mentioned that if I ever were to have a baby, my baby will definitely be surrounded by alot of godpas and godma! Of cos it's also very heartening to know that, you guys would still include me even if it meant I would be sharing cakes and coffee with you guys while breastfeeding my baby...That was hilarious...

Love you guys...tonnes and tonnes and tonnes...

2011-07-08T01:47:00.002+08:00

May be it will be good for me to start dating again. Just random dating. Either to speed up finding my white horse prince or to get more jaded from the dating scene...ha...

Maybe I'm just not meant to get married or have babies...Sigh...

Start crafting a journey on my own...

Plans ahead - driving lessons, first marathon in Dec, Penang trip with new friend, possible Aussie trip...

That's all for now!

Fall of the star of david...

2011-06-26T14:21:00.002+08:00

There were many times and occasions in which it fell off my wrist while I was at work. I remembered feeling my heart ache when I thought I have lost it! I was then frantically pulling the mattresses apart in the gym, even telling my kid to help me look for my bracelet. I also remembered feeling relieved when I finally found it, like how a child who found a prized item.

It was bought with love. That moment of happiness I will never forget. You've initiated and offered to get me something that you thought will suit me. Never mind the religious meaning behind it, I really loved it and was the happiest girl wearing it.

I am not a person who wears a bracelet to begin with, let alone wearing it everyday even at work when I have to handle kids. I learnt how to get around with it and got so used to it dangling on my wrist. It became part of me.

Today, I have decided to take it off on my own. The amount of sadness I am feeling right now, you will never understand. I have to relearn how to live without it.

I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on...

Songs

2011-06-10T23:16:00.002+08:00

First was 'Warwick Avenue' then it's 'Someone like you'

I sat there listening to these songs...

I just sat behind my house and bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking to myself, what have I not done to make it work. What have I done to cause the disintegration to something that is supposed to be beautiful in our lives.

Am I not fun enough to be with. Am I not interesting enough to sustain a relationship. Am I not good enough to be loved for who I am.

It is starting to hit me despite my best ability to shun it. Constant reminder to be strong, stay strong and keep working to make myself really tired. Tired enough to just want to go sleep and not talk, tired enough to just numb my feelings so that I will feel less.

At the end of the day, I still need to wipe the tears up on my own, look as normal as possible and go back home as though nothing has happened.

Life still goes on...I just need to suck it up and move...

Heartbroken...

2011-06-08T20:53:00.003+08:00

What am I supposed to do to make you feel better?

Everything is in favour of you, even when I called off this relationship. I think I can support you better as a friend than a girlfriend. But that is also at the expense of my emotions. Who is going to be there for me through this process? Why is it that I have to put aside my emotions to deal with yours?

Who am I to kid when I obviously know your feelings towards me has not been as strong as before. I have been avoiding for the longest time to not face this, thinking we can resolve it. It's gone, it's gone. It's not something that can be chased after or to be fixed.

It's all about choices, and I think it's time to make a decision and move forward. I am willing to be the bad person to end this, even though I know I will be upset, lonely or even depressed. At the end of the day, we are just beating around the bush, not heading anywhere, aimless.

It has never been a straight path for me in my life to get to where I am now - studies, career, relationships. I think I am slowly coming to terms about being on my own and living the rest of my life alone. I rather do that than knowing that being in the relationship is making the both of us unhappy.

I am really really sorry, I dun have the means to make you happy anymore, not even the sight of me nor my words nor the concerns I have for you.

I have always loved and still love you. But I need to love myself too since that's the only thing I know I have complete control of.

5 years ago and 5 years now...

2011-05-09T03:01:00.000+08:00

5 years ago, I had my first vote. I still remember vividly what happened and how I had to rush from one place to another. I was this naive, hopelessly in love girl who thought everything was going on blissfully for her...

I wonder why I didn't walk away, why I didn't protect myself or love myself enough to walk away. Why was I not proud of myself enough to know that I should have been gone and not turned back. Exactly what was holding me back.

5 years now, I had my second vote. Everything has changed. I got out of that horrid relationship and am in a new relationship.

I want to say that I have changed. I have learnt to love myself alittle more. But ironically, it is sad to say, not enough. Not enough to protect the entire me and my pride. Not enough to stop me from giving in. I still give in. I still give in enough to give up my pride sometimes. Did I read too much romance to think that by trying and giving in, things will work out eventually and everything will be good just like those fairy tales.

5 years from now, when I get the opportunity to vote again, I want to be different from where I am and how I am feeling right now. I want to be able to love myself. Love myself enough to know that although it will be painful, I owe it to myself to reject so that I will no longer be short changed.

One step at a time, I will reach there. I have to.

Yeah! Happy! Finally after so long!

2011-05-09T01:32:00.004+08:00

So happy! Still pretty hyped up about today!

Peifen specially gotten the car so that she could drive me around for brunch and Biennale as well. Thank you so much for the effort and time! Thank you so much for loving me!

I mean how sweet can one be...she knows that I have not been to riders cafe nor Prive before and hence suggested us going to one of these places to kinda pre-celebrate my birthday! =)

O and I'm gonna go watch Kylie's concert with Gage and the boys! So exciting! I think I'm slowly picking myself and my life up! Feel so blessed to have so many friends who love me and willing to spend time with me!

Okie...anyway I need to put up my wish list for this year:
1. Nice tote bag
2. SK ll 'miracle water' (to help my face achieve that kinda glow-from-within look)
3. Cosmetics (anything from lipsticks, blusher, mascara etc.)

I cannot think of anything else...

I shall remind myself to not expect too much so that I will not get disappointed!

I have the choice and I always do...just need to keep reminding myself that!

Birthday is coming...

2011-05-04T22:36:00.000+08:00

I wish for...

Health

Love

Friendship

Strength

not feeling too well atm...to be continued...

2011-04-28T00:57:00.002+08:00

It's back...

I have been trying to fight it but it's back...and it's eating me up once again...It's making everything looks ugly again...

I have turned into this person who cannot let go nor look beyond what is presented...I want to let go of it and move on but I can't...I tried to move ahead, something will drag me back and I will go back to harp on it...again and again and again...and it just spirals downwards into the bottomless hole...

I am back to this insecure creature who is so unsure of herself and so lack of confidence...

Where did my self esteem go? Where did my dignity go? I feel so out of control now and it's killing me inside...

Keep things in check...

2011-04-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

Running: 26 and 27 April...

Biennale 2011: went on Sunday with Peifen...

Dental appointment: have yet to fix, perhaps this coming Monday!

Advance theory booking: to get it done in a week's time

Keep things in check...

2011-04-11T23:00:00.002+08:00

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - probably next Monday.

Run/jog 3x a week - started 11 April (Monday)...

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

2011-04-11T02:47:00.002+08:00

Cannot sleep, throat is hurting badly. Sigh.

I think I should join more activities to keep myself healthy and alert and happy. Maybe from there I will get to know more people, new people...new meaning to life perhaps...

Love spending my Sunday doing more meaningful stuffs. Meeting friends, spending more time with them, knowing that they are doing alright and coping well, makes it all worthwhile despite me being tired.

I would love to spend more time with you but I reckon, you seem to need sleep/rest more than the need to spend time with me. To keep myself happy, I pull myself out, and get myself busy.

Hate to do this but I have to constantly remind myself to be strong for myself cos no one else will and it is not any one's responsibility to do so. Even if there is this person who promises that he will be my pillar, it is only temporary. Everything will go back to square one eventually. Nothing last...I should have known...

Things to get settled...

2011-04-05T00:00:00.005+08:00

Post the cheque - checked

Haircut and colour - checked

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - in process

Run/jog 3x a week - psyching in process

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Bug gage about his job status - always in process...

2011-03-31T01:21:00.002+08:00

I will always pick myself up no matter what happens...it's no big deal...really...

But why did I tear after I typed this msg. I was so good, so so good in controlling my emotions. Yet, when I was done typing these words, tears just welled up...

Pulling myself out is the hardest decision to make but I have to, I need this self preservation act in order to survive.

I am tired of pushing for us to talk, pushing for this, pushing for that. I am tired of throwing something or complain about something at you in order to get some response, attention or feedback. I would like to think that I have given you ample time and opportunities...now I am just so tired.

I dun want to talk anymore. Now I just want to run, and I have to let you know I am very good at it.

2011-03-15T00:48:00.000+08:00

I miss us...

2011-03-08T09:46:00.001+08:00

Seeing you, reminded me of what I've lost...

Seeing what you have beside you, reminded me of how unfair the world is that you've got everything but I have to give up on mine just so I can survive...

This ripple effect is not doing me good and it keeps reminding me of the past...

2011-03-01T01:53:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, I need to know that I am of certain importance to you, not just soccer-important or work-important but important-cos-I-mean-something-kind of important...

Sometimes, I need to know that I will be included in your plans, like how I include you in mine, just so that the uncertainties will not have a chance to delude me and having me engulfed by the paranoid-cum-insecurity monster...

I used to think it will be different this time round. Things used to look so promising, you definitely looked more promising...

The reason I cried so hard the other night was not because of your uncertainty about me but because I realized we have both reached the stage where we start to be unsure of each other and that the reality of having to part might just be one of the options.

This really upsets me alot...I really thought this is IT...that I am done searching...

If this is not working...I seriously have no idea what to do next...

2011-02-10T01:53:00.001+08:00

Maybe it is just not meant to be...

I had the chance but I gave it up...it slipped and it felt like that may just be the only time...sigh...

Looking at where I am now, perhaps it's a sign that I should focus my life on something else...studies or traveling...

I should just give up...

Running on empty...

2011-01-25T16:51:00.003+08:00

I think as I get older, my energy level really dip significantly. I can no longer stay up late, wake up early the next morning and be all bubbly the whole darn day; I whined so much more, mainly about being tired and lack of energy.

I tried to jog on alternate days on the first week of the year, I ended up more exhausted than ever. I tried to be more positive and expected less of everything but I turned out getting even more disappointed.

Did I lose the ability to be independent along the way? Did I lose the ability to think and be self sufficient emotionally? Did I lose the ability to be simple and contended?

I was never that strong to begin with. All the failing and getting back on my feet made me who I am now but it also exhausted me to a certain extend. I just wish I have that someone who can be stronger and allow me to lean upon from time to time.

It is so hard to find happiness, so hard to sustain it. Is it selfish of me to ask to be treated better? Is it wrong of me to ask for more? Sometimes I even ask myself, do I deserve it?

I dun think I have broken down into uncontrollable sobs since two years ago. I have never done that in front of anyone. Tearing perhaps but never uncontrollable sobs because I am too proud to do that in front of others. Plus I often looked like a wreck after that. Seriously, I dun know what came over me last Sunday that I allowed that to happen, on your lap, in your presence. Is it the sense of helplessness or the sense of loss? That I can never get what I have always wanted. Maybe that's what you have been feeling and I should be more understanding...of all people, I should be...

Maybe we need to start building ourselves up again before deciding what to do next. Maybe taking a step back and focus on what we should be concentrating on individually will be a better idea. Minimal hurt, minimal dilemma, minimal disappointment, minimal uncontrollable sobs...

Yippee...

2011-01-11T01:17:00.002+08:00

Okie, I can't sleep...So might as well write something...

Kid of mine scored really well in his O Level...like 8 points! Dude...I was over the moon though he was not too please with his results...still...I am really really happy for him...

One happy thing happened...not to me but at least it's something to cheer upon...I'm glad...

At least something good is happening =)

2011

2011-01-10T01:31:00.003+08:00

First jog of the year, it felt good, it cleared my mind alittle...

But...why do I still feel like crap deep down...

New Year Resolution...

Start building myself up again...

Start exercising...get rid of that flabby tummy...

Get the stupid freaking license already!!!

~Sigh~

I dun think I am that good at mothering and giving in to an adult constantly...

I want to be able to lean on that someone who can be my pillar, who can be strong enough to tell me what I should be doing and not the other way round...

I want to be pampered and babied...

Now I feel like I am this mean person...who is supposed to provide reality checks and turns out to be this unsupportive bitch...

Maybe stepping back to be just a friend is easier to deal with this than being more than how it is...

~lost~

seriously...where should I stand? I was hoping the jog will give me some inspiration...but i guess not...

2010-12-30T23:04:00.003+08:00

Woo...been three months or so since I last touched this space...

Plain lazy...busy or just...cannot be bothered...A combination of 3 I guess...

Currently am feeling very tired (what's new) and trying to psych myself to do my work...sigh...always...

Been a fairly good year I guess...except for the constantly falling sick part...

Over this year...I think some part of me remain the same...some part died along the way...

Still stupidly naive in this thing call 'relationship' and waiting for someone who is romantic enough to sweep me off the ground for good...

Still incapable of dealing with hope and disappointment...I guess the key is...dun raise my hope and get me all excited and then drop me to let me crash and die on the spot....

I.cannot.deal.with.that....

I feel like taking a long break from everything but I know financially that is not possible...just got to grit my teeth and go through this...

How long can I stand this...I dun know...but I do know I am feeling pretty depressed at the moment despite knowing that I pretty much have what I need right now...

Exactly what is lacking? What? I cannot pin point what is it...and that irks me...a hell lot...

Am I so broken to the extend that the emptiness forbade me to feel contentment?

Lost it...again...

2010-09-27T21:11:00.003+08:00

I blew up...once again...

I'm tired...my immune system has been pretty down...

I did not expect myself to blow over your casual comments but I did...

I know you didn't mean it but it still hurt to hear it albeit not directly to me...

I do try to help...maybe in your eyes it is ultimately not substantially enough...

Work...come back home...play with kitty...bring her downstairs so that I can relieve you guys for awhile...by the time all has been done, it will be late...I will be drained...

Reports piling up...so I try to do as much at night...

I feel like a single mom...I am tired...

Maybe it was not your remark that upset me...just that it triggered everything and I could not hold it anymore...

I think I have not cried like that since I broke up with banker...and it continued till sat and sun nights...so silly right...

To me, it's like a slap in the face, nothing I do is good enough...

Sometimes I ask myself, why do I try so hard?

2010-08-23T11:23:00.002+08:00

Perhaps I need to be alone, to learn how to love myself once again, to learn how to love myself more.

I always think that giving in and being understanding play a big part in the relationship. One day your partner will appreciate it...one day your partner will do the same...one day he will not find the little things you deem important, a chore or embarassment but will generally do it for you because it's you...

Yes...one day...

Maybe there will never be this one day...cos I am just not that person...

I am tired of waiting for this one day...

I am so tired...that I am thinking of running away...

About numbers...

2010-08-11T22:31:00.005+08:00

Not motivated to blog much lately...

I cant believe it's been 6 years since I last started blogging! I actually have that much of rubbish to write online that can last me through the 6 years...hahaha...weird...

It's been 2 years since I'm back from Melbourne...I still miss the place...and I still so desperately wanna go back...

It's been 1 year since you stood by the door and asked me the question...funny how time flies...hmm...

The one and only costume party that we ever attempted...

2010-07-12T12:58:00.004+08:00

This was where it all began...The crazy night we had two years ago...

Time flies...and it brought so much FOND memories even till today...

You guys can't deny that my teeny-weeny-tipsy mistake created this great memories of ours...

I can imagine 10 years down the road, you guys will still be mocking me about the expired wine that I coaxed all of you to finish it for me and that everyone of you so spontaneously and willingly did...

Down to the bits of the 'zar zar' as well...(except for yk who revealed just last Sat, that he couldn't quite take it and poured his remaining out of MY window when we aint looking)...

Ah....so two years later...we realised red wine DOES expire...and there aint suppose to have ANY 'zar zar' aka residual in the liquid...

Of all these reminiscings, what cracked me up was the mention that it actually tasted like prune juice...

Admist the hysterical laughters...it suddenly hit me---YYYYES! THAT was exactly the taste of that drink that very night!

OMG!!!

After two freaking years, my friends actually remembered the taste!

I must have traumatized them so much that, over the two years, with their many many Many MANY drinking occasions...the taste of my expired wine still has that special place on their palate!

I hereby sincerely apologize for the trauma I have put my friends through...But seriously...

Prune juice...

I cannot help but laugh even when typing this out...maybe it was after that round of 'prune juice' that we all went haywire...

I wonder...

2010-07-02T22:24:00.003+08:00

why am I so unmotivated? Is it due to the fact that I'm lack of sleep and feeling sickish all the time...

when will he put our picture as the profile pic...not for the sake of putting but that he genuinely wants to...or even happy to do so...

why my tolerance level for kitty is higher than for the boys...

why I no longer read in the train but play with my ds lite instead...

when I can snap out of this depressive mode...been awhile...or am I just trying to avoid it thinking I am truly okay...

why I am back to the seasonal menstrual cycle when previously everything was alright...am I really that stressed?

2010-06-29T23:56:00.001+08:00

Feeling extremely out of sort...

not productive at all...

Wish you were here...

Love is...

2010-06-07T13:48:00.003+08:00

When you're tired but still made your way down to where ever I am...

When we shared and laughed at silly silly jokes...

When we are comfortable with each other, be it in silence...or be it with you playing the games and us laughing hysterically at your super mario plunging down the cliff...

Doing things that you feel awkward but will still do it for me...

When you made the effort to be with me...and accepting me for who I am...

Not just any other Saturday night...

2010-05-30T04:19:00.004+08:00

I have nearly forgotten how fun it was to just hang out even if it's late into the night...even if I'm sickish and tired after work...

It was super fun to meet up and have curry fish head together at the place we used to go many years back...

It was fun to have ice cream together and share with the each other the different nice-weird-accquired taste ice cream...

It was nice to drive around, to get lost together and then to sit down at a fast food outlet to just drink and chit chat...

It was great hanging out with the two peeps who love me so much and who can laugh and criticize me openly...I just need this kind of quality time in which I can talk and trash things out...I just need someone whom I know will do anything and everything to make me happy...

At least I know I am important to them as they are to me...and I know no matter what, they'll think of and look out for me...

At least for the two of them...I know for sure...and I am really really grateful for that...really...

2010-05-27T23:15:00.005+08:00

It sux to be an adult and to fall sick...

Mom only asked what happened and then went out...

Dad blasted the tv, shocking the hell out of the drowsy me...I had to tune the tv volume down myself...

Bf had a tiring day and ended up falling asleep while talking to me...always...

Lucky me...I do love myself enough to drag the hell out of me to see the doc...and then drag myself back home to sleep...

Where is all the TLC I am supposed to get from the loved ones...

Today...I thought I can have some TLC...but nope...

Ended work at 8 plus and all alone...

Didnt know what to do, dun feel like having dinner, I ended up buying stuffs...

welcome to the adult world...

be mindful...you're on your own and it sux big time...

2010-05-21T23:48:00.003+08:00

When I say I'm tired...I am...

Why is it that when I said I'm tired, you would still bring over the manual and sit beside me and started asking me questions...

It's not that I dun wanna help...I did...I took a deep breath and I read the stuff and brief you how to use it...

But it's upsetting that you actually disregard how I fucking feel...

sigh I'm really tired...cant you just at least acknowledge it...

Thank you, oki buta aka butt master aka yingkai...

2010-05-16T17:29:00.000+08:00

I know a girl named jiahui (not jia hui), jiahui is true and nice to everyone, everybody likes her she has many friends and jiahui was happy, but dark clouds began to cover jiahui's sky, rain fell and like a sunflower without sunlight, jiahui almost withered in the darkness. Fortunately, jiahui perservered and the rain stopped, clouds began to clear and the sun began shining, jiahui slowly remembers how to be happy again, strangely in jiahui's pursuit of happiness, i grew distant from her, at times, i panciked at the tot of losing a friend n wonders wad can be done to shorten the distance, until one day, when jiahui smsed me and we began chatting, through the short exchanges of messages, memories of the past were evoked and i realised there r so many things abt jiahui that i know, thats impossible to shake off, thats when i realised distance between jiahui n me might be widening, but it just takes simple short interactions to shorten the distance substantially, ha..there arent many ppl in my life that im able to do that with, most ppl just drift apart and never reconcile. so to my dear friend aka fatimah, joojooba, piggy, left butt cheek, of 14 years, (which is half of our current lifetime) happy birthday!

Birthday wishlist!

2010-05-10T00:29:00.005+08:00

Here is goes...

1. Iphone

2. Clarins Multi-Active Jour

3. Clarins Multi- Active Nuit

4. Clarins Younger Longer Balm

5. Cosmetics

6. A small cushion for me to hug at night since I threw away my 20+ year old blue pillow...

7. Earrings that don't rust and not too big that the kids can pull them out

8. Teardrop shape pendent preferrably diamond (dropped in rank...ha ha ha)

Okie pretty much it...if i thought of anything I'll add in somemore...

Every year when it's close to my bday, I'm freaking grouchy...I think I am sabotaging myself in some ways...damn...anyway time to sleep...night

chats...

2010-04-27T22:49:00.004+08:00

Yk and my conversation...it's short, simple and straight to my heart...

You need a break from life I think, you need time on your own when you dun need to be accountable to other people, you need time for yourself...

I rem when you were there (Melbourne), you were pretty happy, it's as it I can see you smiling when chatting with you on msn...

Yesh piggy, think over here you're just like an actress, you have to fulfill so many roles...get everyone to like your acting...think it's impt to rest for you to be yourself again...

That's exactly how I feel...

And when I said that he knows me well...his reply cracked me up...

Of cos I understand you, you're my left butt cheek, yd is my right butt cheek....

man...if that's the case...I seriously dun mind being one of your butt cheeks...

Quickie

2010-04-26T12:39:00.003+08:00

I want iphone...

I need anti-aging products...or cosmetics....makes me look younger or at least less tired...

I need some hair growth stuffs...the hair at the front portion of my head is thinning...this is worrying...

Preferably I can have a sugar daddy so that I dun have to work anymore...or at least till my body gets better...which may or may not take forever...haha...

Not feeling too good...but I still gotta go get ready to attend a talk that is in the middle of the day...

Time to start the week again...

sick woman's rants...

2010-04-23T19:31:00.002+08:00

Kitty has been sick, so was Mr Fish...

Now it's my turn to get sick...sux big time...and I am still in the office trying to finish up work...sigh...

Sometimes I have the urge to up myself and go to another country to work or to live...just to get away from home for awhile...

It's been tiring, to juggle between being a daughter, an aunt and an employee. I'm not complaining but it is tiring to work ie. deal with kids and listen to parents' concerns then go home be a filial daughter and try to listen to mom's complaints and try to help out in looking after kitty just so they can have a breather. It's tiring to do all these within a day.

I am so sick of the complaints...seriously...most of the time if I do go home for dinner, it would be sitting down with kitty beside me playing while I eat, with mom sitting there telling me about dad's cough which is keeping her up in the night and how she's not getting enough sleep cos of his cough and kitty waking up...of how stubborn dad was for not listening to her advice in seeing doc for his cough...etc etc etc...

I know you need a let out...I know you need someone to hear you...I try to listen and help whenever I can...But it's sad to just listen and give whatever I have without being heard nor thought of. There is neither 'how has your day been at work?' nor 'how are you feeling'...

I want to tell you how tired I am but I know I shouldn't cos yours will always trump mine and it doesnt quite matter whether I am well or not...Perhaps the only consolation is the dinner you cooked for me...which I do appreciate very much...

Am I asking too much?

random

2010-03-28T18:14:00.004+08:00

Weather is so bloody warm...

I want that huge patrick plush toy! I wonder if Toys R'us still sells it...

Love the surprise! Sorry I spoilt it...nonetheless, thanx for making me smile when i was sick...

la la la la

2010-03-22T23:54:00.002+08:00

Pink Martini concert was good. I have never seen almost all the peeps doing a standing ovation and requesting for encore so enthusiastically! The last song I actually stood up and dance...can you imagine, missy me grooving to the music? I mean it's not the Kylie concert kinda dance, more like cuban dance kinda dance...it was great fun! I was really really impressed with their performance, their chemistry and how much they were enjoying themselves during the performance.

Friday night's dinner was great too even though I had to stay in office till 9pm. No doubt I was a dead meat when I went to meet my two bullies...it's been awhile since we met up and just talked. Movies, songs, work, life....talked, bitched, discussed, commented...Thanx for all the valuable advice you guys gave me...no one can be as honest as you are...appreciate that alot...

Sat night was with fen...dinner was great...Again, I was a dead meat when I went to meet her. I literally slept on my work desk while waiting for her to be done with her errands and to meet me...I didnt even respond when my colleague pat me on the shoulder to say bye...nonetheless, the catching up was awesome!

I think i'm really exhausted this entire week...

Now am coughing and fluey...sigh...I wish I can stay home to get some proper rest...Can I hibernate? pls???

OMG

2010-03-21T20:06:00.001+08:00

I didn't know her MTV can be so interesting! Love it!

Pink Martini

2010-03-21T02:17:00.004+08:00

Over the valley
I saw a silver cloud
With a pink lining
I said it right out loud
There’s no denying
You are my one and only love
And we’ll see over the valley
The moon rise above
Over the valley
This house among the trees
Where we’ve been hiding
Making our memories
And I’m deciding
You are my one and only love
And we’ll be over the valley
As the moon shines above
The autumn breezes carry all the bluebirds
Down to where the sun still shines
If we could hold this day
In our hearts someway
We would never roam
Ever far from home
Over the valley
Just above the fray
The sun is setting
And when we’re old and grey
I’ll still be betting
You are my one and only love
And over the valley
The moon shines above

Baby, I miss you

Rants...

2010-03-02T23:32:00.004+08:00

Everytime I want to update my blog, I ended up falling asleep in front of my lappy. What's new right, been doing that since my Melbourne days. Should be glad I didn't drool on it.

I'm not a competitive person to begin with, so when statistics are being brought up, I can feel my whole shoulder droop. I'm not the best therapist, I admit. But I do make sure kids who are under me are alright at least. Does it mean that if my stats drop, I'm a bad clinician?

I'm not a person who thinks very far ahead. So when certain subjects were being brought up, they tend to bring undue stress rather than enlightenment or goals that I can look forward to. Topic on saving aside (I think I have yd to thank for...hehe), things that has the connotation of marriage, no. of kids to have etc. are not in my agenda at the moment. So.quit.asking.me.these.questions. It is annoying to answer over and over and over and over again. It's not the issue of 'I am not ready' or 'I am an anti-commitment freak'. I have since learnt that even with planning, things dun work the way I want them to be. With planning, comes stress to accomplish them. With planning, comes the possibility of forcing something that may not necessary be working out to work out. Why spoil something that is seemingly alright at this point of time?

So I guess at the moment, I'll just have to focus on myself and my career, make as much money as possible so that should I need to grow old on my own, I dun need to end up begging on the street.

Procrastination...

2010-02-23T22:59:00.000+08:00

I should be typing my report...I aint...urgh...

From shading to tapping...

2010-02-23T00:39:00.002+08:00

That's how long it took me to pass my basic theory.

Seriously, I had it since it was paper format till it became computerized! Such an embarrassment to even mention that I have finally made it through a simple basic theory test for driving =p

Fen took basic theory test with me like 4 years ago, she passed, I flung...till now that she's been my faithful driver for almost 3 years, I am not even close to touching the steering wheels....

Gage's mom took the practical test and passed it at first try...still I have yet to even pass my basic!

I was telling myself, if I still fail it today, I am perhaps destined to be driven around...haha...

Anyhow...glad that I can at least be promoted from a repeated basic theory failure to a potential road hazard...hopefully I can get my license by this year...

Cross fingers...and toes....pray hard hard...

Tiger Year...ROAR ROAR ROAR...

2010-02-21T03:38:00.005+08:00

Have not been blogging for a long long long time...cos each time when I got around to wanting to type, I would either feel sleepy or fell asleep in front of the lappy...

Anyway, been pretty good for the whole of Jan and Feb...apart from constantly feeling tired after work, I am pretty much the same...

Went for Zoo run two weeks ago with Mr Fish...quite fun to run in the Zoo and Night Safari...except for those bloody hills which made me swore like no one's business....Trying to catch up with his pace during the run nearly killed me cos lazy me have not been training for a month since my half marathon in early Dec, rarely attend bodypump cos have been feeling tired. The perks of running in the Zoo was that halfway through, we had all the reason to stop...not to rest...but to go and watch animal show....haha...Am still pretty fascinated with the huge seal...still as entertaining as ever...

CNY this year was good...Got my arse down to chinatown with gage, his mom, yilong and peifen...I think last year I missed the whole after-midnight-go-chinatown-sweep-for goodies event as I was down with fever...This year was fun! Always felt happy to be able to spend the time with my pals and his mom and bro...kinda like my second family....we'll just joke with each other and do the 'food tasting' on the goodies that were bought at discounted price. Going to the temple was nice....prayed for health and happiness for my family and loved ones...

CNY visitings was slightly different this year too...Mr Fish came to bai nian at my place, aunt's place and he made the effort to come with me to my paternal side gathering...Kinda funny to introduce him to my relatives cos for the record, I have never done that or rather never get to do that before...I must say, it's kinda nice to have him with me to know my family alittle better...

Down side of CNY this year...My precious niece was hospitalized from Chu Er till now due to fever and UTI...Visited her during my lunch breaks at times and after work...she seemed alright but looking at her tiny hand with that IV plug just gives my heart aches...not to mention looking her getting the injections...sobz...Apart from those nasty things...Sis said kitty has been charming the doctors, nurses and medical students...Hope she gets discharged soon...I really miss hearing her blabbers and seeing her rocking her playpen at home....

This year's Vday, I got to spend it with Mr Fish. Nothing special, no pressie or flowers...too tired from visitations to plan anything...It could have been better, should there be no hiccups with the dinner we had...nonetheless I do appreciate the time spent together...

Happy thing in office - My dear housemate cum colleague is finally hitched! So happy to hear that her bf proposed to her on her birthday! Hehehe...looking at how much they have gone through over these years...I am thrilled to see her settling down, setting up her own family...now you can truly be a mothergoose for good reason! muah haha!

Okie, very random post...sleepy now...shall go snooze...will upload pictures next time...

This Christmas...

2009-12-29T00:49:00.007+08:00

I had diarrhea that bugged me on and off for days...I reckon the way to stop it, is to starve it...muah haha...it kinda worked eventually...

This Christmas...

I cooked spagetti for my clique...

Okie...I almost cooked all 3 packets of spagetti because I misread Sze's message...he said 3/4 of a packet of spagetti while I read it as 3 to 4 packet of spagetti...for 8 ppl what...you cannot fault me for the misinterpretation right...

Quite thankful that I'm pretty lazy when it comes to cooking...can you imagine if I didnt get tired and too lazy to cook the other 2 packets of spag??? I think my friends would have eaten until they puke the noodles through their noses...

This Christmas...

I had to endure the urge to LS while purchasing or should I say grabbing the ingredients from the shelves; smile and try to maintain my composure while waiting patiently to make payment; smile yet again and pray hard that I won't LS in my shorts while the cashier made small talk with me...I swear, I nearly wanna grab her collar, asked her to stop talking just so she could scan those bars quickly and let me go home to my beloved toilet bowl...

It's not funny to lup the bags of stuffs and made my way home in the half skip half run pace...any quicker or slower, I would have shittd in my shorts...

So...I did manage to whip up a meal enough for 8 of us...Please be assured that I DID wash my hands thoroughly after going to the toilet! But being paranoid, I still put a disclaimer after my dear friends were done with the meals that should they have diarrhea, I will provide bao ji wan...

I know I know...bad habit of mind...I should have warn you guys earlier...at least I didnt wait till one year later then tell you guys about it okie =p

This Christmas...

The cab driver tried to flirt with me while all I could think of was to deliver my food safely to gage's place...I know it's a flirt when he used stupid lines like "wah your IC photo looks very pretty..."

It was taken when I was Pri 6...Helloo...you're a peadophile or what...duh...

This Christmas

I am happy cos fen is back, finally...and to celebrate Christmas with her just makes it even more meaningful...

This Christmas...

I received the puzzles that I have been eyeing for ages...despite me knowing its presence...I am still happy that it was completed within such a short time...

Appreciate that you try to surprise me so early in the morning and fetching me to work...

Muack!

2009-12-24T00:47:00.005+08:00

Last night, I dreamt that banker called me over the phone to wish me Merry Christmas and to have a meet up. I pretty much got woken up and unable to sleep. I didn't sleep until much tossing and turning were done...

It sux...I rem telling myself 'nah bey, it's not even dawn yet! Fucking waste my sleeping hours!' And for me to use the NB word...I ish feeling very frustrated...

Lately, the hiccups within my current relationship have made what was pretty happy-and-bright-lovey-dovey-time to have a sudden turn and nose-dive into the black hole...What's going on? I thought we were going on pretty good...I want those lovey dovey time back...

It's sux to feel insecure, it sux to feel scared...

I used to avoid confrontations or avoid touching ANY issue that cropped up...Missy here is well known for running...running away for problems...

For me to want to talk about stuffs is a huge step, to come out of my comfort zone, to want to work things out instead of letting it snowball and eventually resulting in an ugly death...It is a huge step for me to confront the issues and face the possibilities of hearing things I dislike or fearful of knowing...

I am afraid that I will get into the mode of shutting things out just so I can protect myself better...I am afraid that I will turn and run the opposite way to reduce the possibility of getting hurt...I am afraid that I will be back to before where I have no one to protect me but myself...I am afraid that I am indeed too broken for anyone to be able to accept who I really am...

2009-12-14T00:07:00.003+08:00

I do have to admit, I have not been home much lately.

Had to stay home to babysit today. It was good and it felt good too. Too bad Ben ben was away in Clementi. I have not seen him or spent much time with him lately.

Love it when I get to spend time with the kiddos. Kitty girl has been so cheeky and cute as always. Auggy has been so funny with his antics too.

Dinner with mama and papa was good. We took train to Hougang and had crab for dinner. Little ones were not too handful to deal with, hence dinner was rather enjoyable. Walked around abit after dinner and we came to this little playground on the 5th floor of Hougang mall. Had some fun putting Kitty on the swing, seeing Auggy screaming his heart out while papa turned him on the merry-go-round. My dear folks even tried the equipment themselve. Quite a hilarious scene to see them doing that and mama fell on her butt while attempting the super miniature swing with Auggy.

Santa Claus was around to give out candies too and the kiddos were so happy to see him. Kitty girl was not even scared of the fake santa.

Quite a few people gave me odd looks when I was carrying Kitty. Perhaps I dun look like a mom. Or am I too young to be one? Maybe.

Anyway, if I ever have kids of my own, I'll make sure I can handle them myself instead of relying on someone else.

Mr Fish and I

2009-12-01T00:00:00.005+08:00

Random pics we took...

Take 1...trying to be funny...sticking half the tongue out...

Take 2...cant rem whether he was trying to say something or act surprise...

Take 3...finally...a proper photo...haha

2009-11-26T01:14:00.005+08:00

I dun know why I cared in the first place. Now I look like a fool who wasted the time and effort, only to go hungry, exhausted and pissed, combination of all in just one night.

I am NOT angry that you changed your schedule with the sharing session. I would have loved to witness you launching your book and hearing your heartfelt speech, I am happy that you achieved that.

I am in fact pissed that when you had in mind to revert the schedule, you failed to inform me. Is it really that hard to even drop me a msg to tell me about it. Seriously I dun care about others' achievement. I do care about yours. The fact that you told me you might shift the session, showed me the effort of yours to involve me. Hence, I made the effort to fulfill my promise of reaching the venue before 9pm.

I had back to back sessions today. 7 kids in total, one toilet break. Sessions officially ended at 6pm but I had to stay in office to send emails, look up for exercises etc. I did not leave the office till 8pm. I had to take the bus, miss the bus stop, walked from bukit merah interchange to the venue...only to find out that I have missed it.

Perhaps to you, I have not made enough effort to go there on time. I tried but at 7, I was still printing out stuffs in the office.

I should have just dropped a msg to congratulate you and then tell you that I'm sorry I can't make it...

It would have saved all the trouble and save me from getting all worked up...

It's not the first time this happened...it's just like the time when you told me you would bring the boys over to the gym, only to tell me you guys couldnt make it...and I only gotten to know it when I msg you!

A simple msg, a notification...is it that hard...

snippets of life...

2009-11-22T01:38:00.005+08:00

Time: After dinner

Venue: In the train

Moments:

Cant remember exactly what started it...we just laughed and laughed and laughed...

It could be me laughing at him and his 'muted' watch, it could be him whining about his 'muted' watch, it could be me constantly disrupting him in his reading, it could be me being just plain silly...

I love the time spent with Mr Fish...

Time: Every Sunday (almost)

Venue: Fitness First

Moments:

Aint consistent in going for bodypump but I am loving this time allocated for working out with my pals.

From nagging me to load up my weight to me bouncing around after a seemingly tough work out (cos I cheated by using the lightest weight)...

From me trying to get my coordination to me stamping my feet into yd's face...

From us sweating like pigs after a 2-hour work out to us nua~ing at the sofas...

It always warm my heart to have you guys around me...

2009-11-22T00:06:00.004+08:00

It still irks me intermittently...

That you attempted to add me on facebook...

That she attempted to add me on facebook too...

I do not have anything that I can offer you or her...

I know it may be karma that things in which you fear most will always find its way back to haunt you...

But I have come clean for months...

So why now?

=(

2009-11-17T16:26:00.003+08:00

Sigh...lying on my tummy the whole day and still feeling like shit is no joke...

I hope it will go away soon with the meds in place...

I have been eating when I'm hungry and when necessary, so what is wrong...

Do I really have to go for scope and scan as what the doc mentioned...

Maybe my intestines are rotting away as I'm typing...

getting fatter

2009-11-13T02:42:00.004+08:00

Been falling asleep without me knowing and waking up in the middle of the night to head for shower then sleep again...

Such disruption is so not good for my sleep-wake cycle...

Been having late dinners too as I get out of office late....by the time I am done with dinner, I would usually fall asleep in like an hour's time...

Such is so not good for my tummy! It is getting flabbier despite me eating lesser...I wonder is it my metabolism going slower...I used to be able to get flat tummy when my diet and appetite went down...not on purpose but in stress induced situation...

I dun think I have overworked but why do I still feel stress all the time...and I am constantly doubting my abilities in helping the kids nowadays...why?

time to go sleep first...I think I should plan for a short break in Dec...I really cannot take it already...sigh...

I hate...

2009-11-03T01:51:00.006+08:00

to cry...

I hate being weak...it just goes to show that after all these while...I'm still the weakling...

Cannot remember when was the last time I jogged at night...But I just had to do it tonight...even if it is in the middle of the night...even when I'm feeling so darn exhausted physically and mentally...the build-up frustration was too much...I need to feel better...I have to feel better...

to go Genting...

It is the one place which made me realize that my presence is no more important than the monetary pleasure that one might get out of gambling...

Technically, I am no more valuable than those stash of notes...seriously...

It's all about the money...

Even till now...I still have this feeling that money is more important than me...

to have gastric...

been plague with it since I was pri 2...the on and off affair seems to been off until recently...

I think my long lost fren just found me yet again...

My all time favourite...

2009-10-30T22:51:00.002+08:00

Bro was sending me some japanese youtube on the lastest groupies...

Was telling him this is still my all time favourite apart from chage and aska...and he agreeed...

I think this is the only time that we agreed on something...music...

I missed those times when he share things with me...not that there was alot of such scenarios to begin with...

2009-10-24T01:19:00.002+08:00

There seem to be something amiss right now...I dun know what is it...maybe it's just the build-up frustrations...

Feeling so darn low the whole day...

I hope this will pass soon...

2009-10-19T22:21:00.003+08:00

I love it when I get to chill with my pals, listen to music, chat about everything and anything under the stars...

I love it when Auggy says he likes me...

I love it when Ben ben comes running to me and gives me a hug...

I love it when Kitty girl smiles at me whenever I call her name...

I love it when I get to have my own time to do things alone...

I love it when I get to wake up next to you...

not too good a week...

2009-10-09T00:46:00.003+08:00

I kinda lost my appetite totally...

The only meal of the day is Macspicy meal for dinner...there goes my plan of dieting...

Suddenly I am asking myself - what am I doing now, why am I doing all these...

I wish I could have gone work and travel for 6 months...That would have been so darn exciting...

I wish I could have a baby, nurture the little one and see the little one grow...

I wish I could do what I do and be good at it...

I missed my chances, I dun feel I'm good enough...

sigh...

I'm tired...

I wonder...

2009-09-28T18:17:00.004+08:00

If you've sensed my agitation whenever you asked me if bro is online the moment I set foot in the house...

for god sake, I haven't even switched on my lappy to access the internet yet...

If you've sensed my frustrations when I tried to tell you something about me and you ended up interrupting me with your complaints...complaints about the past few months, complaints that revolve around you, complaints about dad...

did you realise I end up keeping my mouth shut, let you talk and not finishing whatever I wanna say cos I just feel that everything become pointless now...

Maybe I'm pms~ing...maybe i'm just being short fused...

Sometimes I wonder, if I am the one who gave birth and relocated to another country, would my parents do the same for me...

I know the answer somehow...

In the first place I dun think I'll want to rely on my parents knowing how tough and stress it'll be on them...but then again...who am I to make such statement right...

Home Sweet Home...

2009-09-17T03:08:00.003+08:00

I survived the LA trip!

Flight to LA was horrendous...colleague and I were alittle sick, hence the flight to Narita was not as enjoyable...the wait at Narita was worse! Remaining 11 hours flight to LA was tiring and alittle unbearable...

Reaching LA was a relieve...it was refreshing and reminds me so much of Melbourne....

The overall stay at Hilton was alright...not fantastic but the bed was good enough for me to wanna just stay in the hotel and not go out...

Seriously, Long Beach has nothing much for us to explore...we did little walking about in the area...pretty quiet and decent place...ppl are generally nice and friendly..

Two days of courses were great...we got lost on the way to the medical centre...thinking we could walk there...only to find out we forgot the differences btw miles and kilometres...we walked for like 5 km before giving up and tried taking a bus...was alittle late...but didnt miss out as much...really informative...learnt alot...and the speaker was so nice! He ended up chauffeuring us to and fro the medical centre for the next day...

Had alittle adventure on our own...due to the lack of transport and the build up frustration of our urge to shop...we decided to rent a car and drive to factory outlet on our own! As yours truly has no license...I can only rely on my colleague to drive us there....It was fun...and wasnt that difficult with the help of the GPS...I must say...my colleague was really brave...to try right-hand driving for the first time!

Anyhow, factory outlet did us harm! Burnt a huge hole in the pocket...still...it was fun...hehe...and before we know it...it's time to come back home...

Now is 3am...I used to say I dun think I will experience jetlag...but I guess not...I cant sleep!!! Luckily I only start work in the noon tomorrow...hungry...gonna grab some food!

Updates

2009-09-11T12:48:00.003+08:00

Here I am, at Narita Airpot transiting to go LA!

Good thing about it, I get to fly and travel alittle...bad thing about it, I am alittle sick and extremetly tired from the flight and the long hours of waiting time to transit...6.50am to 5pm...If not for the free internet access, I would have gone mad...

I realise I am quite a pig...I can sleep anywhere and everywhere...waiting area chair I could also doze off and even have dreams...haha...

Heading to LA for a course...a 2.5 days course...cost me 4 days of travelling time...tonnes of rearrangement on my schedule...ask me if I am excited...I think I am more tired than anything else...nonetheless, the notion of being able to get out singapore still excites me alittle =p

I cant wait for the bali trip this coming Sat...it has been awhile since we all go on a trip together! The last one was Redang? or was it Koh Samui...ages ages ago....

So...what have I been up to this past month or so? I have been busy with work...been busy trying to upkeep my house since my parents were away from June till two days ago...mommy had great complaints of how I keep the house clean during their trip to HongKong...it is tiring to have to constantly think of when to sweep, mop, wash clothes etc...

And if you were guessing the reason I mia~ed for so long is because I have got into a relationship...

Bingo! hehe...kinda unexpected....anytime sooner or later...things would have been totally different...

It's funny...we went through a full circle and came back to meet one another...10 years...has it been that long? I found the photo we took during JC, we both looked hilariously toot...well..at least we look much better now ;p

You've matured over these years, I've been through lowest point of my life...right now, I am just thankful to have you by my side...

Actually last night, I was really happy...I'm surrounded by ppl who love me so much! Gage - who drove down after being a day of storeman, Sze - who came after losing a pack of blood, CK -who came with messy hair after his body pump, James - who came down despite his hectic work load and my crazy boyfriend - who went to and fro airport in the time span of a few hours...

okie...I cannot take it...need to go toilet brush teeth and wash up...perhaps I'll contiue later...

Genuinely happy...

2009-07-27T19:03:00.002+08:00

Things were so random lately...

My kid whom I have been working with, did the funniest thing ever. He was climbing through the obstacle course while I was behind him stretching to hang something up high. Suddnely he came down and ran towards me and poked my tummy as if tickling me...not sure is it my flabby tummy that attracted this attention, or he is slowly warming up to me...haha...

Farewell dinner for Sherbs was Muthu's Curry at Little India...Was suppose to go home after but fren of mine from aussie msged and said he's back in town! Been exactly one year since I last saw him! Totally excited that we finally get to meet up! It was great to chat and even mingle with his sibs...

Didn't sleep much on Sat night and woke up early on Sun to send Sherbs off...

It was an entourage of kids in sending her off! After sending her off it's a round of chasing after kids, talking to bosses and colleagues, eating and taking care of the the kiddos...

It was so tiring running after the kids but I had a really really fun time talking to them and hearing their remarks to everything they see...so innocently cute!

When was the last time I laugh from my heart...hmm....

I am so blessed...

2009-07-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

to have friend who will still drive me home despite him being tired...on the many many many occasions...

to have friend's mom who will buy cooling tea for me so that I can get my voice back...

to have friend who will think of me when he has a complimentary pass for his gym so that I can get the work out that I very much need...

to have boss who is willing to boil another type of cooling tea for me...

to have someone who is willing to spend the whole of Monday, dropping by just so to keep me company while I nurse myself back to recovery...plus the ice cream, cooling tea and cake...

it's nice to just sit in front of the tv, laugh at those sitcoms and eat the tub of ice cream...

FYI

2009-07-20T14:22:00.002+08:00

In case you were worried that the pop-out that is asking for pin to view my posts...well it's not...you can still view my post even if you press 'cancel' button...

the pop-out is for my twitter msges that i've locked up under my account...so for ppl like fen, you can request and wait for my approval to follow the twits...then u'll know more of the latest updates...sensical, nonsensical updates included...and of cos...more vulgarities involved...haha...

miss you babe...wish you were here to crash my place and stay with me over the weekends...miss our prata time tooo...love love...

Away Day 5-7 July 2009

2009-07-19T00:29:00.009+08:00

Some pictures on our 'Away Day'

Second day, on tram. We were on our way to Palawan Beach. Peeps were on their way to get tortured by me. I, the game master, gotten ordered around and bullied, induced quite a number of injuries...haha...but overall it was fun...or at least I hope!

Trying to act funny while carrying those heavy water bombs...that's JR, Sheralyn and I!

Our team of fun loving peeps!

Another shot...minus the man behind...haha..

My beloved old housemate-now-colleague, Alison...second night was the most hilarious, fun time spent. We had company's dinner then KTV at St James. It was marked with lots of trashy-fun-sing-along songs and lotsa alcohol! O plus not to mention, funny drunkard moments...which I wasn't involved...haha how rare right...

Anyway, it was really a fun and memorable night!

Me and my unglam face...I was slightly tipsy high then I think...

This was me singing...didnt even know ally took this pic...haha...

sick and alone...

2009-07-17T22:14:00.003+08:00

Fever, cough, running nose...welcome to the sick zone baby!!!

I'm not only the green snog machine but also the master of the mime...

It's quite funny when yd hit me on my arm and I literally screamed to complain to his mom "Auntie!! Yidong beat me!!" BUT nothing came out...only my facial expressions...it's sooooooo funny can....I can play charades very well now...ha!

Very sweet of yd to drive me home after dinner, very sweet of auntie to buy me the liang cha...now I have two pseudo moms! hehe....thank you so much!

Disclaimer...

2009-07-16T20:36:00.003+08:00

I'm overloaded with junk food. Feel fat and lack of exercise. Because of the junks I ate, the late nights I had for rushing reports, my throat is now protesting and my nose is starting to leak...

Cooked mushroom soup and eating salad now...I hope these are healthy enough...

being sick sux...

being sick and alone sux even MORE!!!

AGRH!!!

overload...with junks

2009-07-15T22:26:00.001+08:00

Kill me plsssssss....argh!!!!!!!

cooking day!

2009-07-13T22:47:00.005+08:00

Edible cooked food vs yucky cooked food - 1:1

My attempt for fried rice went well! Yippe! Fried rice trump macaroni soup. Slight boo boo though when I tripped on the stairs and broke the glass bottled of sweet soya sauce. I should count my lucky stars that I didn't cut myself. Time to buy new slippers...the front of the slippers probably is slightly too big and making me fall...not the first time...bruises on my arms can account for it...sigh...Anyway, I think I cooked too huge a portion...enough to feed 3 ppl equivalent to 3 meals for me...haha...die...

Anyway, company's Away Day was great fun. The stress in preparing the games and prizes were pretty much worth it...though I did give peeps more injuries =p sorry guys...

I think the highlight was the ktv...surprisingly I aint the drunk one...haha. To think that I was actually quick enough to shove the empty jug to my colleague when I saw that familiar wanna_puke_immediately kinda face, that was quite something. It was crazy tipsy fun! We drained the two bottles of hard liquor when I thought we might end up saving them for the next time. So fun to hang out like that...hehe...

Went for Da Vinci exhibition...it was interesting...though too much reading makes me feel whoozy and tired...signs of old age =( boohoo...

I miss hanging out with yd, ck and james...you bitches made my day...I hope our trip will go through! I so wanna chill by the pool!

Love you guys!

fen...I miss you terribly today...I so wanna go beach resort with you! Should have gone for the batam one!!! =p Hope you are feeling better and not down with flu...love ya!

In some kind of a shut down mode...just want to do things on my own and be alone for awhile...I think I may just pack and go on a trip alone...hmm....batam? bintan? sentosa? HK?

high high high....

2009-07-11T00:49:00.002+08:00

i am so happily high on my own at home right now....i think i can so live by myself...

i think it's funny that i talk to myself...

i think i will be strong enough to depend on my own totally..

btw...ray is out of cave...drinking time!!!! yippe!!!

2009-07-09T00:28:00.003+08:00

Junk food vs cooked food by moi: lost count vs 1

and it sux big time...how come same ingredients yet it didnt taste as good as when I cooked it in aussie...hmm...

I cooked and mopped within the time span of 2 hours. Eh...considered fast enough okie...I still need to prepare food and mop entire house...

Feeling more at ease now..certain things are just not meant to be...so even if I have to be the bad person to cut people off, I have to do it...why should I always be the one to please others at the expense of my comfort and happiness, knowing that the other party may not quite worth the effort afterall, and despite knowing what I've been going through...

I'm usually quite a soft hearted person, to get me to this stage...you're the man...

Mismatch

2009-07-05T02:49:00.006+08:00

I'm sorry this has to happen, I just dun see the way you see this friendship...why cant we just be friends, as in normal buddy-pal kinda friends...

Appreciate you trying to be there for me during the hard times and I am grateful that I was important to you...

I can't condone your thinking and actions, especially at the expense of my emotions...

The only reaction I can conjure up is smile so that it can mask the disappointment I have out of this...

I'm the pig...

2009-07-02T00:00:00.000+08:00

My eating system and sleep routine have totally been fucked. I eat only when I'm hungry which means I am having dinner as late as 9 plus 10 because I usually feel tired more than hungry after work...

I was so beat today that I fell asleep on the sofa while Oprah was on the tv...Oprah leh...and I could still fall asleep...subconsciously I even heard myself snoring...o no...

It's either I'll get super fat or super thin due to this irregular eating...

junk food vs cooked food - 2:2

I love the rides with those songs played from the precious mp3...old school rock...or whatever genre they are in...never fail to remind me of the aussie time...good memories...I rem sitting in the car, being driven home down the dark quiet streets...I rem tapping to the beats and singing to those few songs that I know of...there wasnt a moment that was awkward or pretencious and I feel so at ease with myself, with the people I was with.

I want that feeling back...that simplicity...that contentment...

Seeing stars...

2009-07-01T02:05:00.003+08:00

Today is not a good day for me. Sadness got snowballed towards end of the day.

But I will be better. I will get better.

Things at my end are getting better. I sincerely hope that yours will too.

I think I can get used to the idea of being alone and living on my own. Although I do whine about how pathetic it is to have dinner on my own =p, to some extend I do enjoy this peacefulness...no expectations, no disappointment, no tears...

On a side note, I wanna join the winter fest madi gras too!!! boo hoo...so envious...I have always wanted to be part of the madi gras celebration!!! so proud of you my dear girl! hehe

How did I survive?

2009-06-29T14:14:00.004+08:00

I read the email, I saw the timetable like many times but I still manage to get it mixed up! Ugrh...darn pissed with myself. First day of school and I already sorta screw up...peee weee...I'm the ultimate blur queen...

So I travelled from home to Clementi then Clementi back to clinic...all in the time span of 45 min...

I need to wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

And so...

2009-06-28T21:12:00.003+08:00

Michael Jackson passed away...what a pity...his last concert would have been awesome...and now, he is free from the ridicule that others placed on him, free from the worry of his finances and free from the fear of not being perfect outside in...

This week...

Home alone 2 started on Wednesday...why 2? Cos I had Home alone 1 back in 2008 when I flew back from Melbourne for vacation before flying to HK to find my family.

So far I dun think I have spent more than 12 hours at home except today...morning I would be out for work, evening out for dinner with friends then home at night to bathe and sleep...

Headaches been my pretty close friend lately...perhaps not enough rest...stress and headache dun go well...I can forsee myself struggling alittle more in month of July...all the handover, adjustment to make before getting the breather in August...sigh...die die DIE...

I took the longest nap ever...it was supposed to be good until I had the dream...

I rather dream about fen...miss her...and her sms always cheer me up!

I quit...

2009-06-22T23:22:00.003+08:00

You are always free during weekdays after work and you work in the city...

I work in Jurong...go city very troublesome...so next time you come Jurong to meet okie...

Pissed.to.the.max.

I did try to arrange to meet up in the past...when I was free, you weren't...when you are free, I ain't...so what you want me to do? I aint complaining about it...why should you?

Just becos I used to be nice...just becos I work in city...just becos my work involves dealing with kids...

Everything is deemed easy for me...

I have been feeling stressed...being awake way before alarm time is bad enough, sleeping/waking up with the feeling of stress regarding work is bad enough...dreaming about banker and having to push those thoughts away to focus on work is bad enough...facing my mistakes and not to feel guilty on the daily basis is bad enough...

what more do you want from me?!

2009-06-22T01:45:00.002+08:00

I have always thought it was pretty hard to find a teardrop shape pendent BUT....hey...I have just found this lovely teardrop shape pendent from the Tiffany & Co website! Not crystal nor diamond but just a simple silver one which I can wear it with me all the time.

It is so pretty looking...

And then it hit me, how much bullshit it was when I was told it aint easy to locate one...hmm....